What About This?

In such a short time, God has already proven himself faithful.  Reassuring me even more that I'm following his will for my life right now.  I've been reading Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" since I was in high school and yesterday's reading spoke directly to me.  "Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life?  Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?  The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, "Well, what about this?"...The moment you allow yourself to think, "What about this?" you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God."  I don't think I realized the step of faith I was taking by deciding not to go back to teaching.  It was so black and white that I didn't even think about how our bills would be paid or what I would do.  (Bake. Find a new job. Obviously.) What about this?? did creep through my mind today when I realized come August I wouldn't have a paycheck.  And that even though the most amazing wedding day of my life would be paid off by then (fingers crossed), there would still be other expenses.  I had to quickly remind myself of being totally surrendered to God and that I wasn't going to let Satan win any battles.  Especially battles of my mind and worry.  Later on in the evening, I received a text asking for some babysitting help this summer on top of a 2-3 day week nanny job I already have.  Praise the Lord.  Maybe I can get a new summer bathing suit after all.

Bittersweet.

I never in my life saw this day coming.  Sure, the idea passed through my mind but it was so fleeting and unrealistic that I didn't think twice about it.  But today I let my principal know that I’ve decided not to teach next year.  Like at all.  Shocking I know.  Well it was for me at least.  This all came about very suddenly but it’s something I feel confident about.  Bittersweet is the best way I can describe it.  If you want a little more information read on…

The past two years have been very difficult for me.  Maybe it was National Boards, or data data data meetings, or planning reading celebrations for the entire school while teaching a class full of first graders, and coaching a game of kickball at the same time.  I’ve always prayed with hope and a positive attitude the whole way to school about the day ahead of me but over time my prayers changed into prayers of help to get me through the day and “Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Am I really living of life of ministry to these children through teaching?”  Something changed within me and as defeating and humbling as it is to admit, teaching got the best of me.  I wasn’t being the teacher I wanted to be and I wasn’t happy.  I never see that new husband of mine and if I do, I’m usually tired or impatient or dreading the week of ahead of me.  It’s not really what I had in mind for the first year of marriage.  Or the next twenty.  And little grey/white hairs are popping up all over my 29 year old head.  Not okay.

I went to bed Thursday night after our Rising First Grader Parent Night still planning to teach but already dreading another year of school.  I woke up chasing dreams.  Romans 8:26-27 says “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”  I truly believe this is something I’ve been dealing with inwardly for quite some time.  I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing next.  I am, however, fully confident that this is God’s will for my life right now – that he will provide financially for Tommy and me and that he will use me in a new way.  I’m excited and a little scared about what’s ahead.  Definitely sad at the thought of packing up my classroom and not seeing sweet friendly faces on a daily basis.  But hopeful that maybe I will get the opportunity to do something with baking or health and fitness or something totally new that I enjoy. 

The emotions I've experienced all weekend have put me on a roller coaster ride.  I've always been proud and honored to be a teacher.  I love the hands I hold walking down the hall at the end of the day and the love notes I receive from my little lovelies.  But I know God is greater, that this is His plan as surprising as it may be, and he will bring me new joy in other ways.  

One last verse to share.  They’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and feel like I can’t not share it.  It’s currently where my hope and confidence is coming from.  Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”  Here’s to a new journey.  J